Heartaches Anonymous
by O Rly?
Dear Heartaches,
Yesterday when arriving home after a long day at work, my opposite-gendered roommate grabbed my hand and said that we should watch porn together. What’ a poor straight boy to do?
—A proof is a proof
Dearest Proof,
So the moment you stepped in the door, your lady housemate grabbed you by the paw and asked if you could share something beyond the hydro bill. Perhaps it came at a particularly tender roommate moment, after you two had shared a laugh over the eating habits one of your other rent-splitters (“Can you believe all he has in the fridge is pickled eggs? We should watch porn together!”). Perhaps you were just trying to relax on the couch when you found lady housemate wrapping her clammy fingers around yours.
I don’t care how she brought it up. What I want to know is: what did you say?
There’s a special kind of way to watch porn platonically, and it doesn’t involve a lot of attentiveness. Could it be that your opposite-gendered roommate (OGR) just wants you to join her in making snarky comments about the hot/heavy? Was she grabbing your hand because she’s the kind of person who likes to make physical contact when she suggests something devious? (Dramas about primary school-age girls are full of this kind of handholding.) If this is the case, I say, hey, why not? It’s also possible that she just wants to watch something kind of sexy together, but not necessarily GET sexy.
However, you seem concerned. If you’re worried this is a sign that your roommate wants to become your bedmate, well, as I’ve said before on Heartaches Anonymous, it does happen and it ain’t all good. I say lay low and politely decline her invitation. Sounds lovely, but no thanks. I think I will go over here and become aroused by myself.
But wait, you say! I kind of maybe sort of do want to watch porn with my roommate, and if it ends in mutual masturbation, well, so be it! Well I say it’s your life, bro. Just proceed with caution. Happy wanking!
The Link Volume 30 Issue 25